...and I quote

Possibly the best part of my job (if there is a best part) is the pre-triage form.  When patients come to the ER, they fill out a form indicating their chief complaint which is then submitted to admissions and, subsequently, given to the triage nurse.  These are some which have caught my eye (the quotation marks are mine, otherwise these are completely unedited regarding spelling, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure and capitalization):


"He has had a high Fever of 102.6 for the past 24hours coughin an cumplanin of his tummy heartin."

"High Fever, votmonting, sorl thoroght runy nosie"

"Colon burn Stomach hurts qallbladder"

"Right Lover Pain"

"Been Bound up in Gut For About A week"

"Fell on cement + with fist at heart area needs to find out if anything is badwrong"

"Face is Busted it woozy Need stitchly"

"Sour throught.  Ears hurts   runny noses."

"I have a shoulder that is on my right arm + down my arm + I have tingling in my Finger + it feels num"

"Herniated dick"  (submitted by a female patient)

"I was diajnosed a year ago.In leavenworth KS My lungs hurt thats it I'm weezing!"

"Sunday yall said Go Sleep it off it Just a head ach made appomint to day she Been having headach nosia weak all this time No Legs are weak she has a concusion Dr SAID!!"


"My left foot is strained?"

"IM diying Bealse my arem is roting off."  

"Cant really talk because half of mouth is swallowen abcest tooth, throat swalloen andchest pain"


 I particularly like the ones with the exclamation points!!!

Connect the Dots

Tremulous Girl in Treatment Room #3:  "Nurse, can I have a warm blanket?  I'm freezing."

Me:  "Sure, I'll be right back" 

(There are only a few warm blankets in the warmer and many patients before we get more cold ones to replace them with once those are gone.)

Tremulous Girl in Treatment Room #3:  "And nurse?  Can I have a glass of ice water?"

Me:  "Ice?" (moment of silence, shaking head slowly) "No.  No ice." 

Tremulous Girl in Treatment Room #3:  "But my mouth is dry."

Doting and Hovering Family Member:  "She's so thirsty."

Me:  "I'll bring you a glass of water."

Tremulous Girl in Treatment Room #3:  "I can't have ice?"

Me:  "No ice."

Tremulous Girl in Treatment Room #3:  (Staring, incredulously as I slowly close the treatment room door and walk away)

Am I the only one who has linked the drinking of ice water with the sensation of feeling cold?  Just wondering.

A Minor Setback

I took a nap yesterday afternoon and had this dream.

The unit secretary and I were trying to load an elderly patient into a wheelchair for transport to her daughter's vehicle for discharge home.  Her daughter was one of those entitled-seeming, late 50's aged women in khaki capris who never smile, unless engaged in some sort of manipulation, and then only with their mouths and never with their eyes and you sense you're expected to be giving special treatment to due to their prominence in the community.  I didn't recognize her, nor do I generally respond in the desired fashion when I do.  I make a habit of pretending I've never heard of them which seems to bother them more than anything.  These are the very people I abhor even more than most. 

She was going ahead of us out the doors to the waiting area to fetch her vehicle, a Lincoln Continental SUV I'm sure, with a heated steering wheel, or some such.  She'd barely passed through the door when the patient became invisible.  I was grateful her daughter didn't appear to have noticed, hoping we'd have time to locate the old woman and, hopefully, reverse this new symptom or at least get her in the vehicle before her daughter noticed.  I thought to myself, 'she's not going to want to take her mother home in this condition'.

I was attempting to strap her into the wheelchair (?) but was uneasy because, not only was she invisible, we were also unable to feel her.  I was going through the motions to secure her but wasn't entirely certain she wasn't lying dead on the floor somewhere between the chair and the stretcher we'd just transferred her from.  I was sure hoping she'd reappear as she was five minutes from a successful discharge and I wasn't certain her daughter wouldn't notice should she not reappear before we loaded her into the vehicle.  And then I woke up. 

The fact that this is loaded with revealing symbolism is not wasted on me.

Another Tricky Triage Question

Me:  "Sir, on a scale of zero to ten, how would you rate the pain you're having today?"

Triage Patient (turning his head quizzically):  "With zero being.....?"

Me (pausing to glance around the triage room for Alan Funt):  "Um...zero."

Cancer Awareness

Transcript from a texting session with my community-minded neighbor/friend from two weeks ago:

Her:  You know what's weird?  Me and Dee (her daughter, Delynn) are both on the hospital relay team and you're not.

Me:  Relay?

Friend:  Relay for life.  Me and Dee are on the hospital Relay for Life team and you're not and you work at the hospital and we don't.

Me:  Well, it's not really that weird considering I'm not a team player.  And I abhor the hospital.  And I don't really want to be aware of cancer nor do I see how doing so would prevent anyone from getting it.

Her:  Having a bad day?  Too many doughnuts, maybe?  (We'd gone to the store together the night before and I bought doughnuts.  They were cherry and I'd been trying to quit eating sugar until then.)


Me:   No, this is me in a good mood on a good day.  And I only ate two doughnuts, one with each bowl of ice cream.

Decompensation, The Downhill Slide of Burnout

We were having a day like I read about over at Madness. I was standing over an evolving CVA patient pushing something or other and the moans and bells and call lights and ambulance reports on the radio were going off. The patient's son, late 50's, his mom lying there, probably dying, asks me, "Do you ever get used to this?" 
"Yeah, you do but then you begin to decompensate," says I, the ravages of burnout mirrored in my eyes.  "I'm on the downhill side of that, now". 

He never said another thing to me. The next day I thought about what I said. Might've instilled a little unease in the guy, reckon? His mother's caregiver? Shouldn't have asked me.

No Words

The other day was like amateur night in the ER.  Bogus “hurt my arm 2 weeks ago, need pain meds” guy from a town 40 miles away, one with a hospital and ER of it’s own, incidentally.  Carried a 44oz Styrofoam cup full of soda into the triage room with that horribly injured arm but when I began questioning him about his symptoms, he began to writhe in pain and whimpering.  Piss poor actor. 

In a few minutes after getting this rather odiferous individual out of my triage room, comes yet another pre-triage sheet through the slot with the same last name on it.  This is something people do.  At least in our area.  They all come to the ER together like a sporting event.  Friends all sitting around the living room watching TV and Jerry Springer gets over and nothing good on so they load up and head to the ER to kill some time before Walker, Texas Ranger comes on at 4, or something.  

The other triage was hurt arm man’s tweaker mother.  The family that smokes rocks together, stays together.  They were both so fucked up they could barely put any sentences together.  Drug-seeking, I suspected but they weren’t at themselves enough to even get any appropriate symptoms or stories straight in their heads.  Her chief complaint was lice for which she’d treated herself with olive oil and dog flea shampoo and then, as a last resort, lice shampoo.  Okay.  And?  Let me guess.  You’re here for admission to our adult psych unit?

Soon after, we got a 22-year-old girl in who’d fallen off a horse.  Abraised her great toe and broke her radial head right off.  In the words of Walter Mattheau, fortunately for her, she’d had a few glasses of whiskey just prior to the accident so it wasn’t as painful as it might have been.  She kept us in stitches with her nonsense.  Her blood alcohol was 165.  Funny gal.  And not a faker.  And too drunk to act.  What’s not to like?

Then the thorn in my side.  A 70-year-old man who came in for a 2-week history of constipation and weakness.  No obvious distress.  I had to bite my tongue hard during that triage.  The whole time.  He really got under my skin and I had to fight hard to not ask him what the fuck he thought he was doing in there wasting our time.  I was busy in triage for the rest of the shift but I could see him come out to the desk every once in a while wanting to know how much longer it was going to be.  I couldn’t believe this guy, coming into the ER for  something he could have fixed by going to Walmart and buying some colace.  Hadn’t called his doctor.  Couldn’t even remember his doctor’s name.  He was still there when I left at the end of my shift and I forgot about him except a mental note to use him in my writing as an example of ER abuse. (Something about his case really irritated me). 

The next day I was at work and I heard the unit secretary talking about a CT report.  In the ER, the xrays and CTs are all read by the radiologist in person, if it’s during daytime hours, or remotely if it’s after hours.  The results get called to the ER doctors as soon as they’re read but the actual transcription isn’t usually done until the next day and then prints out on our copier.  So I’m hearing the unit secretary talking about a patient with cancer and on and on until I realize she’s talking about that guy from the day before, the 70-year-old.  She’s got the CT report in her hand so I took it from her and read it. 

Masses in his liver, bladder, around his aorta and, probably the origin, his prostate.  Clearly terminal.  Clearly very soon.